Written by: Michael-Yoshi James and Andray Smith
Edited by: Shania Kuo
With stock prices plummeting, the time of video-game-adjacent retailer, GameStop, may have finally ended. A leaked internal memo, however, revealed that the retailer has plans in store to keep it in the public eye. CEO George Sherman proposed, from underneath a pool of licensed merchandise and overpriced Rick and Morty T-shirts, that the retailer could sell the games instead of merchandise. The retailer's slate for the upcoming year includes the 18th Call of Duty installment, a digital Fortnite Starter Pack, and Xbox Game Pass vouchers. This decision came after intense deliberation between releasing a GameStop exclusive Funko Pop modeled after the Wall Street Bets mascot or selling used copies of Duke Nukem Forever.
When asked about their radical change in direction, Sherman shrugged, his POP! Animation: Naruto - Naruto Six Path Sage Funko Pop falling from the pockets of his Minecraft sweater.
“To be honest, I’m not sure where the idea came from,” Sherman said. “We don’t usually think here at GameStop. It’s why we only buy games back at $3.50. Doing actual math is too hard.”
On the heels of the “GameStop Rebellion” — a movement that some are considering a financial upheaval — GameStop is looking to make a massive pivot in its industry. Amidst cries of, “eat the rich,” and, “stew them in their jacuzzis!” Gamestop wasn’t the first business to yield to the rapidly approaching Reddit-based revolution.
“I’m out,” said soon-to-be former Amazon CEO and resident supervillain in the making, Jeff Bezos. “I’m riding my Tesla to the moon.”
But what about the consumers? We here at EGD asked our loyal fanbase what they thought about GameStop’s new retail venture.
“What?” asked little Timmy, ten years old. “The fuck is a GameStop? I just want to overthrow the system by its bourgeois roots and dismantle the oligarchy.”
Little Timmy said these words while clutching his smartphone. On the screen was the sight of the recently infamous app, Robinhood.
“Gamestop?” asked Sarah Sutterman. “That’s like that other store, right? Toys-4-U? Can we short them too?”
It appeared that children these days find much more pleasure playing with the funds of traditionally closed circuit groups of multi-millionaires than video games. We asked our local 1% correspondent, Harris Richburg, for his opinion.
“Please stop them,” Richburg cried as he clutched his solid gold toilet. He didn’t appreciate the advances of the repo men as they carried out his belongings. “Insider trading should be left to the pros!”
Truly, a sentiment to live by.
With the recent upsurge of people finding entertainment in the stock market — the world’s riskiest video game — Gamestop might want to make yet another change to their marketing. Instead of selling physical copies of games, perhaps they can move onto selling stocks.
Next Time: “Cookie Clicker; Are You Monopolizing The Virtual Cookie Industry??”
This is a part of EGDerision, a purely satirical line of articles focused on the latest happenings in the games industry.
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